CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES—Surprised by friends asking about Warframe and expressing genuine interest in his hobbies, system Tenno DamageLtd, MR23, broke into a sweat as he attempted to formulate some kind of response as the rest of his family members present at the event joined in on the ambush.
After abandoning the idea of assigning a more specific description than “Online Multiplayer Game” and mistakenly making the joke of it being a “Farming Simulator” to a crowd of people who still think every console and handheld is a “Nintendo” system made for Candy Crush and FarmVille, DamageLtd immediately regretted his decision to attend his much younger cousin’s 15th birthday party.
“You play as a space ninja… Uhh… It’s a scifi game with swords and guns and… You keep balance in the system by doing these missions for the Lotus…” stammered on DamageLtd as the clock ticked down toward his inevitable anxiety attack when asked to describe what he liked about the game. The gaggle of family members was overly-fascinated to learn more about their somewhat estranged relative and trapped him in a corner by arranging chairs around the struggling Tenno.
“Oh, the Lotus! That’s Rebecca, right?” enthusiastically chimed in DamageLtd’s mother who had been letting him live rent free for the past decade, unknowingly sending him into a deeper spiral of shame as his life flashed before his eyes and replayed every moment he had made the mistake to talk about Rebecca to his mother. “He talks about her all the time. I think that’s his girlfriend! She seems like such a sweet young lady and I’m so glad he found someone like her. She even role-plays with him by telling him what to do in the game!” DamageLtd turned redder than a Rubedo-plated Rhino as every word sunk in.
Reaching critical levels of despair, DamageLtd woefully attempted to explain that Rebecca “is just an employee at the company that made the game and does voice acting” but was cut short by his younger and much more successful brother. “I think it’s great that Tom has a hobby he enjoys so much. I’m kind of jealous that he has the free time to do it!” said the humble-yet-smug superstar of the family with a hearty and contagious laugh which had the crowd roaring in seconds while DamageLtd’s Oro began to escape his body.
The party continued on for another horrifying 2 hours as DamageLtd sat in a catatonic state wishing for the sweet release of death. At press time, sources report that one of DamageLtd’s cousin’s friend’s brother found out that he played Warframe and kept going on and on about how much he likes the Hema.